tell me
if i finely said yes,
could you say no

the stories that fall, laden with your truths
realties from these lips, simple history
known to both

tell me
if i were to say yes
would you say no

the paths we walked
holding others hands
seemingly slip, with ease
from your tales
to mine

tell me
if i could say yes
would you say no

if lessons are things to be learned
and pasts are thing to leave behind
have we learned to let things pass?

tell me
if you said yes
could i say no?

writing to ghost
because they still haunt me

not saying anything to you
because you are worth less

then them

the blood you draw
pales ...... to the pails
that have been drawn previously

sharing with a stranger, who's not so strange

my silence does not negate
my need to speak
you will find my voice, in my actions
that i do not allow my self to display anger
is by no means a display of complacency
i will satiate doubts you announce, with silent momentum
truth be told the more you doubt
the more i will deliver
i beg of you, seek no solace in the harsh words i do not say
place no value in the confrontation i will not pursue
for i am not passively agreeing
my convictions are not easily set aside, as arbitrary
the quite tears that may fall
the catch in my throat, momentarily silencing
is just me, taking in what you believe
acknowledging the power it holds
and patiently thinking out my next move.
familiarity with the doubt of others
has never stopped me,
from toasting the accomplishments i've made
nor sequestered my admiration of others
i do know that there are those who doubt you too
and those that will eternally sing your praises
i expect neither from you.
i do not expect, respect.
i know all too well the consequences, of expectations.

with my head bowed
and my heart in it's place
i have learned to have faith
in what i can do. cause it's amazing what one lil irish girl can do ...its breath taking.

it's a dry red whine

thots lost in time that
wasnt lost
had so much to say
before ........ i tried
furrowed brow
and dry tongue
's all i got

to
explain
what i've never been able to say any way
'magine that

girl left speechless
now theres something to be said about that

was it a dream

as tangible as the words
i can delete with simple key strokes
as concrete as the lives
that simply disappear
as real as these moments are
they each find a place
making history seem like a dream

not a story that is still being told

words from a note

as the summer quietly begins to meld into fall
and the evenings seem to slip in a lil earlier
i am enamored at how quickly time can creep by

thots scribbled on the scraps
of the recesses of my mind

concocting
contentment
out of complacency

found beauty in the
space
between your shoulder blades

shivering in the
disdain of
your embrace

diluting your
dreams
with my
doubts

crows feat

defining mortality
thru
un-census-able deaths

determining laws
of love
by the shards

seeing sense
even cohesion
in the bits

left behind.

you say bye like its a bad thing

finding more comfort in strangers arms
then the un occupied voices of answering machines
of those deemed speed dial worthy

anticipation
retiring in laps of dreams
un touched
declining the life i've broke
ohh ment built?

anticipation
forcing tides
on un-suspecting beaches
today ...tidal wave
only lending to drought ...tomorow

onslaught of words
lack of action
induced dreams
chilling realty

anticipated
denying needs
executing expectations
standing emotions in lines of dominoes
flicking them with whiskey laden fingers

laughing at the faces
your not making
pressing . . . buttons
trying to find
the eject one

definitive decisions defining dreams

sounds detrimental

moving

moments of discontentment
seize me
blackening, sky blue skies

clenched fists
ir-retractable goose bumps
momentarily trying to claw my way out
of my own skin

but like the shock of a lovers hand
chilled with the depth of winter
with time
i warm to reality

causal neck roll
sensuous smiles playing at my lips
acceptance of situations
acknowledging movement, taking its time

ready again
to chart past experiences
in ink
new tat, to explain or remind
of old adventures

what i tend to forget
from time to time
is that moving forwards
never alleviates
the past
and i can never seem, ...to get were im lookin fast enough
i forget to appreciate ... now
because i hate what its taken me to get here.

on to the next chapter

pushing for words
that will move me
further down my own page

craftsman tools, come with a life time warranty. not people

speaking of companionship
like its something to accomplish

not a gift

asserting expectations
of forever

on others souls

confusing the wedding
vows

with the gift registry

what is a life time warranty
on a heart

do you deserve a new one, if you broke the last one?

sticky expectations slide with ease thru these oiled fingers

speak ill of me
designate names
........ment to put me down
pretending they lift you up

while doing neither.

i don't have expectations
of tomorrow
or of you.
sorry i thot i made that clear
when i didn't ask for your number...

i relish in
being turned on
by a mans passion
not his pedigree
or position

tell me who you are
rite now
today.
i wasn't there yesterday
and probly won't be around tomorrow

i'd rather lay
with a stranger
welcoming the dawn
consumed by conversation
of tactile projects

then share dinner nightly
with a man
who can only speak of
a 401K, or whats to come
when he's saved enough
and the system designates him old enough
to retire

tell me how your passion consumes you
today.
and maybe ill try to find you tomorrow.
or maybe not

dont woo me with plans
engage me with rite now.
And let these moments satiate

and if in the next few
todays
we find our selves
in the same space
with more to share
awesome

if not
thats okay too
im happy to have met you
other wise
i wouldn't have shared any of my time with you

i do believe in love at first sight
i just don't always expect it to last thru a fortnight...

back fourty,......back of the bar

clean straight chrome
.......bleu black diffused ink
tight welds
.......frayed edges
solid chassis
......true heart
fresh flat black paint
.......deliberate human patina
searchin for a classic to sit in and dream
......lookin for an old beater to sit with and dream

glorifying

worlds un traveled
moments yet un lived
experiences un adulterated

honestly

my calfs are strained
from dreamin of a man i hardly know
my in box is full of messages
from men i dont want to remember
my heads been swimmin
from a man i don't understand
and the only advice i want
is from a man that is gone

man oh man
boys suck

if i left tomorow.

if i told you of dreams transcribed
spoke of futures hidden behind these lids
acknowledged simple dictation heralding change

would you
know
that this is goodbye

that when i am able
to tell you of plans to leave
it is because they have been made
i will not give
what has not been asked for
thou i would have given you anything.
today i learn
of my undeniable obstinacy
i accept
that i would rather walk away
then disrobe in front of a broken audience
am i harsh
on our inability
to settle for what could be ... the docs orders?
yah
but i will not hold you to expectations
that i cannot reach
while i grasp white knuckled, to my belt loops
to scared to extend even my hand, much less my soul
i will respect your white knuckles
and just know

that if either of us
believed
in ourselves,
as much as we believed in each other
we would find happiness in ...this sun rise
….holding hands.
and not be here, watching the sun set
white knuckled

not saying anything but

goodbye

would my cankles scare you, bound in stillettoes?

the scariest attribute
of honesty
is an honest response.

if i spoke truth
what would you think
or say
or not say but think

given sight of my deepest darkest
would you want a night light?

could the monsters
that don't live under my bed
eat you?

if i ever found a truth
would it ruin my writing
lend expectations of sleep
fill in the blank space that begs of color
retire this beat down key board
sever my affair w. pbr
beget the quiet emo tunes that herald the dawn
arrest the urges that force me to write thru green lights
alleviate the burdens placed on random slips of paper
negate the surplus of others words pinned to the wall
let this tiny brain find respite
quiet the un-yielding mono log
accept moments of nothingness
find the importance to true quietness

or would it
feed these things
that eat me

the irony
is my pure acceptance of neither
while wanting both

its my inability
to decipher
which would be better

what does one lose
to gain

awoke to the sound
of breathing.
mine

it was calm
and it was even

i lay there
in this unexpected
state of contentment

i hadn't yet found my coffee
or my smokes
my perpetually, overly analytical self
hadn't yet found me

and in that simple quiet moment
i wondered
if you were real

if i only wanted
for lack of having
or if i lacked not due to want of having
but for lack of faith, in my skills
of finding something worth having

i may have
as i am wont to do
fell in love with the man
i thot you were
or simply want you to be

with out thot
of myself bein
someone wanted

quiet
un adulterated
contentment
found in this moment
lacking self doubt

perfect
sunday morning
on a wednesday

good nite mr troll

i will try not to tarnish your exit
with
loss of laughter
nor
quickness of tears

but hear me tonite
as i say
goodnite

it will be there
intertwined with the others
that will find pieces of silence today
and in the days to come

moments when tears may fall uninvited
and smiles will sneak up
we will relish in the blessing
of having had you in our worlds

love you
xob

dialect of a schizophrenic

writting anaotimickly correct sentances
ergonomik sounds roll from ccontricted lips
gravity of gramatics
lost on souls whos nurouishment depends on it


writing anatomically correct sentences
ergonomic sounds roll from constricted lips
gravity of grammatics
lost on souls whos nourishment depends on it

translation time: longer then it took to write it
irritation: love hate relationship with my spell checker
realization: i would write more if the red mattered less

dont mess with texas

if only the words that scream from my fingers
could roll from my lips
i could tell you.
if i had the gumption during coffee
that cursed my sleep in the wee hours
i could tell you.
ironicly you know more about me
then any one
except one simple fact
so simple i can't even
write it
it screams,
like a country song
it hums in my head like bad wires, crossing

im sorry
that all you get is the fuckin static

pirate flags

who am i to point out the holes in your raft?
here.
ill share my bucket with you
and some how
we will laugh
at our own boat building skills
at the wine corks we've use to plug the holes
at our prunny toes

and randomly yell
"land hoe"
even thou the coast will probly never, be clear

with one graceful movement
she wipes the slate clean
of an un-marred past

i deny your future
to become our past

she allows the secrets
of others closed doors
to shadow her choices

i lock the door
before you can even knock

she closes her eyes
as the sun sets and moon rises
in attempt to stop time

i send you off
before you ask to stay

she swears
she does this
for me

even broke ain't free

your touch
chastised
lending doubt
your words
broke me
lending doubt
your platitude
examined me...
naked

i lay here.
in shock
in denial
in nightie
knowing only
that i will pay for this
intrusion
and its consequences

with out ever comprehending
the price
or toll.

she steps
quietly
pacing in
small spaces

she murmurs
audibly
of whats come
n whats gone

she reaches
uncertainly
for a future
she cant name

she covets
doubt
declaring it
the only dependable emotion

mistaking
hesitation
for preservation
she watches as life
falls thru her fingers like sand

vain attempt to change an
unsuspecting future
placing transparencies over

snap shots, of us

the one were you stand
facing stark truths
and i stand
facing dreams un touched

pretending our hands
touch
creating illusions
of compassion
photo chopping in
love

formatting truths in simple denial

with heavy hands
i lift the illusion
i let nature show
what i am forced to accept

the one were i stand
facing stark truths
and you stand
facing your own

standing
side by side
back to back
looking at our own horizons

we recognize nothing
except what is behind us

exhuming trinkets of my past
finding that i can tell you their story
but i no longer feel
under
them
they are memories
not talismans

rocks skipped across my glass lake
making no ripples
just soft sighs
as i finally release them

one word
a thousand pictures

the sum of what you have to say is more then lost love and broken hearts

strife or stripe to provoke provocation to make you look again instilling need to re-read your own thots not mine i pose questions in form of prose does acceptance of my doubt come easier then acknowledgment of your own? regardless of degree of 'removable-ness" does your strife dwarf mine? or is it all six of one half dozen of another...

silence transcribed

you scribble your whispers

on the small of my back

i feel them

knowing the words that cannot travel from lip to ear

feeling the pulse

of your desire

transcribed

i will not ask for clarification

even if you stutter

or linger a bit to long between breaths

identification in discrepancies

of word

vs action

becoming second nature

as we speak more openly with less truth shared

pregnant words filled with intimate details

of other things

tiptoeing around self flagellation

admonishing aspirations with cute quips of others misgivings

donning high prescription reading glasses

to look down our noses

at those capable

of doing what we cannot

speak to a lover

yell in passionate rage

whisper sweet nothings

sharing more then stolen glances

more then late night embraces

more then coded transactions

ultimately more then i can allow

if my intentions

are to keep this tiny heart beating

if you keep writing, i will keep listening
if you do not push, i will not pull
if you keep from startling me, i will not flinch
if you do not ask, i will not expect
if you do not expect, i will not ask
and if you step over this line, we have drawn in the sand.

i will step with you,

but i cannot step first

tonite

transparent tales
speak volumes
of colored pasts

lose lips leak
secret agendas
confirmation comes
in the moments when both sun and moon are sleeping

thots that unravel
my teetering sanity
are only validated

as you claim throne
master of your own destiny
you know less
about the
master plan
then those you deem
sub servant

show me the same map once more
tell me again how your heading towards 'x'
take my hand, as you again look towards 'a'

convince me
as i try to convince you
that we have chosen this

not retreated, hesitant of further bullshit
that you did not succumb, exhausted from the fight
that you do not hold back, sick of flinching

but that yes
alone is how you chose to sleep
silently is how you enjoy your dinner
and the empty space on the couch lends you no discomfort

and if

what if

this place of flux
has become stable ground
the realities of juxtoposition
have become the guidelines
i've pissed on each side of the fence
so many times that neither is greener

what if
i cant see clearly
thru the fog
... i made
i've spent
so much time doubting
... i cant see truth?
i've built walls
gates and towers, so very tall,
that even i cannot peek over...

what if
i've given more power to loss...
then tomorow
placed such fear in momentum...
that i accept stagnation
or cower, not in fear of my failure
but in apprehension of expectation

will i ever
justify my self
to me
look in the mirror
with recognition
accept my actions
as easily as i shrug them off to others???


or, will i tomorrow
done my uniform
apply my face
and see yet another yesterday



...

vivaciously awaiting the time
i will write about tomorrow
the serenity
the satiation
and dreams it will un-veil

is knowing better?

standing at the scales
heart in hand
weighing my options

debating notions

playing with realities

needing plain truths

assessing my future
thru the proverbial scales
weights and measures presiding over heart and soul

debating notions

playing with realities

needing plain truths

dis-robing,
naked, readying ones self.
time for weigh in

debating notions

playing with realities

needing plain truths

will the culmination of my
soul, heart, dreams and hopes
find an equal in yours

debating notions

playing with realities

needing plain truths

awaiting a truth from libra
with the moon in leo
i crouch in venus's shadow